I was embarrassed. Then I felt guilty for being embarrassed.

Issue 002 — A Father's Day note about the messy middle of being a dad.

This issue originally went out by email on Father's Day, before Still Going moved to Substack.

First things first.

Thank you.

I started this newsletter not really knowing if anyone would care, and the response blew me away. The subscribes, the replies, the messages from people telling me they felt seen by something I wrote… I had no idea. I didn't know how many of you were quietly carrying the same things I write about.

A bunch of you sent recommendations on what to write about next, and I promise I'll get to all of them. But this one's gotta be about today.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there.

I love being a dad. More than anything. It's the best thing I've ever done and the thing I'm most proud of.

And I'm going to be honest with you, because that's the whole point of this thing… it's also the hardest.

Being a single dad on 50/50 custody is hard. Being a full-time entrepreneur on top of that makes it harder. Having a gorgeous, strong-willed 10-year-old daughter? Hard. Having a son on the autism spectrum who just became a teenager?

Whoa.

As Jaxon gets older and the hormones hit, he's been struggling in new ways, which means I've been struggling right alongside him.

Last week he had a meltdown in public. A real one. It was brutal, and it lasted over an hour.

And I'll tell you exactly where my head went, because I think a lot of dads will recognize it. I was embarrassed. Then I felt guilty for being embarrassed. I was frustrated. I was upset. I was anxious. Part of me wanted to yell which wouldn't have helped anybody. Part of me just wanted him to calm down, and if I'm being real, that part was selfish. I didn't want to deal with the scene. I didn't want the eyes.

And then it hit me.

Who cares.

Who cares if strangers think he's "throwing a tantrum." (Was there some of that? Sure. But it's a lot more complicated than that.) Who cares if people don't understand what they're looking at.

My goal used to be to look perfect, to make it seem like I had it all together. As I've matured, that's gone out the window. It's not to perform a perfect family with perfect kids. My goal is to be a dad; the best one I'm capable of being. My job is to help him through the rough patches. To support him when he's struggling and stemming, and to still parent him when he's just being a moody teenager.

Here's the thing about me trying to figure this out. My own dad left when I was young, and the example he set was a bad one. But I got lucky! I had a grandfather and a stepdad who stepped up to the plate when they didn't have to, and showed me what a good man and a present father actually looks like. I carry that with me every single day.

And still… even with those examples burned into me, I get lost sometimes. Times have changed. There's more noise now than there's ever been, more pulling at us from every direction. The men who raised me right didn't have to parent through all of this. So even standing on the shoulders of good men, I find myself unsure of the next move.

Like most dads, I don't always know the right move. But I do know that worrying about what everyone else thinks isn't it. Shut out the noise and do the best you can.

It's the same reason I took the socials off my phone. The same reason I block my calendar. The same reason I shrunk my circle of friends. None of that was about pulling away from the world… it was about getting clear on what actually matters and putting it first.

I still struggle as a dad. Same as I struggle in every other part of my life. But I'm slowly figuring it out, just like everyone else. And it starts the same way every time: by ignoring what the world around you says, and focusing in on what's actually important to you.

In that moment, what was important was simple. Just being the best dad I know how to be to Jaxon and Jasyn.

I'm sharing this for one reason; to be an encouragement to the dads out there carrying their own version of last week. We are never going to have all the answers. But we can support each other. We can be encouraged by other dads still pushing forward for the right reasons.

So let me ask you, and I actually want to hear it:

What's an area you've struggled in as a dad or a major win you've had? Leave a comment or reply and tell me. I read every one.

Happy Father's Day, gentlemen.

We're still figuring it out.

Still… not quite there yet.

— Ryan