I had to apologize to my kids this week.
Guilt, overwhelm, an apology, and the outlet most guys won’t talk about.
Hey y’all,
The last couple issues have been fairly business heavy, so this week we’re going a slightly different direction. Still vulnerable; but this one is about family, fatherhood, and something I think a lot of guys struggle with in general.
So here it goes!
The week everything came at once
This was a difficult last week, in that I really felt like everything was coming at me all at once.
I’m heading into my second week of having my kids two weeks straight as part of my 50/50 custody schedule with my ex-wife; we each get two weeks in the summer. Last year I did a huge two-week road trip with them, which many of you saw on my social media. This year, I just didn’t have the capacity. We did have a fun weekend visiting my best friend in Atlanta, but there’s a part of me that felt guilty that I didn’t do as much as I did last year.
I think that’s a pressure a lot of parents carry in general: every year, we have to one-up the year before. I don’t believe that’s actually the case. I think we need to teach our kids about life and about balance. Some years, just like some days, have more in them than others.
But I digress. What got to me this week was the overwhelm. Work coming at me in every direction. So many things happening with the foundation I chair. Social engagements. Trying to still take care of myself. Trying to be present in a long-distance relationship. Having the kids for the summer. And even coordinating with my son’s behavior therapist, who supports Jaxon at home and in school; one more thing to manage, even when it’s a good thing.
(For those newer here: Jaxon is on the autism spectrum. How we’ve learned to work with him, and everything he has taught ME, is another issue I’ll be writing down the road. It’s very personal; but it’s important to so many families trying to navigate the same thing.)
I found myself getting short with them. And I realized I actually had to apologize to my kids.
A couple of things came out of this.
1. It’s okay to admit you’re overwhelmed and ask for help.
We know this as parents… I think? But specifically as guys, as dads, we carry the weight of everything usually silently, including fatherhood. And sometimes it really does just get to you. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad dad or that you don’t care for your kids. Life is heavy, and we have to be able to manage that. Sometimes asking for help is part of managing it.
2. It’s okay to apologize. In fact, we should.
One of the things I’ve learned is that some of the best teaching moments are catching my OWN mistakes, letting the kids know why it was a mistake, and apologizing. It’s so easy to get aggravated or frustrated with the kids and use their mess-up as the teaching moment. I’m starting to really see it’s more impactful to use my own instead.
3. Have more than one outlet for yourself.
That can be anything. Run to ATL to visit you best friend and eat your way across the city!! (see below haha)
Escaping for a quick round of golf. Quiet time alone with a book while the kids go do something on their own. It could even be therapy (Ya, I said it).
I’m actually going to talk about therapy in a couple of issues, because I think it’s a massively taboo subject for dudes; so many guys are afraid to admit they need it and feel like it will make them look weak. I’ve been there. I come from a strong background where it was not ever talked about. But it’s been such an important part of my journey and my life in the last couple of years, and I highly encourage it. Try it.
If you guys will allow me, I’ll dive down that road and be very vulnerable about my own experiences in therapy. What made me seek it out, and why I’ve continued (or restarted) it multiple times over several years, including most recently. Hit reply and tell me if you want that issue; that’s all the permission I need.
What I actually did about it
All that to say: it’s normal to be frustrated. It’s normal to feel overwhelmed. What’s not normal, or at least what should be talked about, is not doing anything about it.
This week, I took the kids with me and played a little golf at the local simulators, just to get some sanity back. I spent Sunday lunch with the family. I took Saturday off and didn’t do anything except rest on the couch and watch movies with the kids. I scheduled my next therapy appointment. And I talked to the kids about the lessons learned this week, and apologized for being short with them when I knew they didn’t deserve it.
I made a lot of mistakes this week, and sometimes it still gets to me. But I also learned some more lessons. I’m sharing this with each of you in hopes that it rings true and gives you some encouragement that you may not be the only person feeling this way.
Your turn
What moments have you had with parenting or overwhelm, and how did you cope with them? Hit reply and tell me. I read every single one; and after the mid-year issue, I know some of you have stories.
Not quite there yet. Never will be. And that’s really the whole point.
Keep building. Keep going.
Talk soon,
Ryan
Not Quite There Yet Guy
CEO & Co-Founder, Knowledge Perk | Chair, Gravity Center Foundation | EO Charlotte